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The Polium One Is A Web3 Console That Will Never Get Released

A render of an imaginary console and controller, floating in the clouds.

Graphic: shomos uddin / Polium / Kotaku (Getty Pictures)

The Polium 1 is the solution to a problem no 1 has ever, nor will ever, ask. It is a “next-gen console for net3 gaming.” Which is to say, a render on a internet site for a fictional device that I believe will definitely will by no means get manufactured. I dare them to demonstrate me improper.

To be very clear from the start off “web3”or “web 3.0” is the umbrella time period for a sequence of transparently clear frauds, from the delusions of cryptocurrency to the embarrassment of NFTs. It does not definitely signify anything, and if you see anyone working with it, you know to steer really extensive. So yes, the Polium Just one!

Polium, a business of these types of renown that it was not even able to get the Twitter take care of with just 1 underscore just after the model identify, has announced its intention to develop the first console created for…for…the thingy. You know. The world-wide-web3 things. Um, like, payments! Indeed, the payments! You can pay out for issues on it working with all kinds of crypto!

Very seriously, that’s all it has. The hilarious site, suggesting a 2024 launch for backers, 2025 for the hoi polloi, has an FAQ that offers completely no solutions, other than which bullshit payment networks it’ll acknowledge. You, a nocoiner, might want to request, “What games will be obtainable at launch?” but you will only be informed, “We are at the moment in talks with several match builders.” Meanwhile, a real believer will want to know that you can invest your pretend cash by means of Ethereum, Solana, Polygon, BNB, Imm…

My preferred question in the FAQ is “What will be the specs?” And not just for that tortuous work not to split the infinitive. Here’s the remedy, in comprehensive:

“We intention to establish a higher-overall performance console. The specs you see on the web-site are not confirmed until eventually we have a useful prototype.”

A higher-overall performance a person! Exactly where do I pre-order?!

As for all those “specs” on the web page, they are—so considerably as I can tell—the next: 4K Ultra Hd, TouchID, 8K HDR, Ray Tracing, up to 120 frames for each second.

Let us split that down. It’s 4K AND 8K, has ray tracing and 120fps on its no graphics card, and features…Apple’s wholly owned and unavailable-to-outsiders TouchID! Daring statements!

It definitely doubles-down on that TouchID declaration, which it totally simply cannot have, saying it’s also the tech that shall protect against other people sneaking in and working with your console to devote all your crypto on a image of a monkey.

Nonetheless, when you want to expend all your personal crypto on a picture of a monkey, the console has your back again, boasting a “multi-chain wallet for buying and selling, swapping and bridging,” as properly as, “buy and trade NFTs and in-activity products.”

It gets even funnier when you appear at Polium’s Medium page, where by we’re educated that, “The console will be built by the group.” Er, huh? Perfectly, you see, “We will choose pre-orders ahead of the console’s components is completely built. This will assist us obtain purchaser suggestions, ideas, and validation.” Ahhhh. They’ll choose your cash ahead of a matter exists in purchase to truly feel a lot more valid. Got it.

Let’s remember, none of this exists. It’s a render upcoming to a sequence of nonsensical statements, and a assure of a prototype “in a couple months.” Practically nothing indicates a roadmap to victory like “in a number of.” But the place there is abruptly a puddle of depth is a mock-up of its “clean dashboard.”

A mock-up of the Polium's dashboard, that will never exist.

Image: Polium

Glance at that array of games! There’s Otherside, the Bored Ape Yacht Club “metaverse” recreation that will by no means thoroughly occur out! There is Decentraland, the depressing virtual entire world of NFTs! There’s Highstreet, an in-alpha on the internet shopping shopping mall! And so on. Each “game” it imagines running on the technique is a gross mess of approaches to commit cash, necessitating you “connect a wallet” prior to you can engage in. It’s not refined. And of program none of these is confirmed for the Polium, due to the fact the Polium is presently entirely imaginary.

And we have not even touched on how the emblem is the Video game Cube’s, swapping its detrimental-area G for a P. Or how the controller is a Greenback Retailer Twin Perception with the trackpad fallen off.

So how do you acquire just one? For the reason that god is aware of you are determined to now, ideal? Nicely, as it transpires you have to expend a bunch of crypto on a “pass.” A pass that will then make it possible for you to exchange it for a console the moment the factor isn’t at any time manufactured.

BUT Wait around, There’s A lot more! Invest in a Polium Move as before long as the company has the gumption to make that stay, and you will also get a “free” Playables PFP NFT! Which is to say, a jpeg of a “retro robot,” and like so considerably about this gibberish, Polium will “provide more facts later this calendar year.” How will you spend for items? Working with “PLAY,” a token about which Polium will “provide far more information and facts later on this calendar year.”

It’s remarkable just how a lot information and facts will be offered later this calendar year, as if the announcement of its phantasmic solution came as a shock to Polium Underscore Underscore.

Every single segment on the web-site is just so (un)humorous. Like the “roadmap.” Oh my god, I love it so substantially.

The so-called "roadmap" for the Polium, from "idea" to "launch".

Screenshot: Polium / Kotaku

Excellent. Have all my revenue.

We shall of study course hold you up-to-date with every single stage of the Polium’s enhancement, from when it begins having people’s money to its eventual announcement that it will not be likely ahead right after all.

If this issue at any time gets released, I will established my personal head on hearth.